Last week, before I went to the grocery store, Ryan asked to talk to me. We sat down and he mentioned that I have had a bit of a problem with going over our budget recently. He was not angry and he handled it well. He just wanted to make sure I understood why our budget was so important. It was a little bit embarrassing. I do try to be thrifty and I know that Ryan loves me and hates putting me on the spot like that. He just asked me to be mindful of this as I was shopping. I assured him that I would do my best, but when I got to the grocery store, I realized that we needed more than I was expecting. I debated putting a few things back, but in the end, I overspent again. I was a little nervous and, when I got home, Ryan was justifiably angry. He asked me to wait for him in the bedroom while he calmed down. I knew he was right to be upset. He had made his expectations clear and I had blatantly disregarded them. Eventually, he came to talk to me. He was calm, he reminded me that he loved me and then he explained that I needed help remembering boundaries. So he hit me with a wooden spoon.
Or... The other day, Ryan came home looking really upset. I asked him what was wrong and he explained that he had come back from lunch about ten minutes late and his boss had called him into his office. He explained that Ryan had made a habit of coming in late and so his boss felt that he had lost the privilege of leaving for lunch. Ryan would have to start eating lunch locked in his office alone until he could prove that he was trust-worthy again. His phone and internet would be shut off, a memo would be sent to his co-workers, and he should go to the bathroom before the lunch hour began. Or... I was really rude to a friend of mine once. We were having lunch together but I had not gotten much sleep the night before and was feeling really irritable. She made a comment that bothered me and I lost my temper. She stared at me in disbelief as I ranted but when I implied that she was sort of an idiot, she grabbed me by the arm and told me I had no right to talk to her that way. She whispered menacingly that I had embarrassed her in public, then she yanked me from the table and dragged me to the car, telling me I could not go to another restaurant for a month before slamming the door in my face. Or maybe.... We could stop pretending that fear-based discipline is preparing a child for the actual consequences they will experience as adults? Could we at least stop pretending that unless we threaten our children with physical pain and emotional isolation they will have absolutely no idea how to function as adults because it is totally normal and not at all abusive and scary if a spouse or pastor or police officer or boss threatens you with bodily harm when you break the rules? Could we just be honest and say that when we use fear to control our children it is because we want to control our children and stop justifying our behavior by acting like we are doing the entire world some huge favor? Hitting children does not do the world any favors. Science has proven this. Not hitting children does the world a favor. Science has also proven this. But even if we want to claim that the science is debatable, the argument that our children will grow up bewildered by the idea of relational boundaries if we do not hit them, yell at them, and humiliate them often enough is a pathetic one. Take a minute to watch kindergarteners on the playground and you will know that healthy humans learn social norms and the consequences for breaking those norms early and brutally without any help from adults. However, I am certainly not suggesting we let kids raise themselves. Guidance, discipline and expectations are absolutely necessary when helping new humans find their way in the world (also proven by The Science), but pretending that corporal punishment is a superior method of raising a child to be a good human is wrong. It is morally wrong and it is also just plain inaccurate. Maybe I am not writing this for anyone but myself. Maybe this is just a reminder that I need at this time in my life. My kids are going through challenging phases and I am no saint. I have yelled and threatened them. I have taken things away. I have come up with ridiculous consequences that made no sense. I have bitten through the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood as they repeatedly jabbed at every single button I had for hours while I attempted to scrape myself together enough to parent effectively until I gave up and threw myself into the tantrum brewing in my chest. I have sent them to their rooms and taken away video games and cancelled outings and when they did not respond with the acceptable amount of remorse and shame continued to pile on the punishment in an attempt to elicit a response from them. "CRY!" I have wanted to scream, "CRY! Show me I have some power over you... because I feel completely helpless and ashamed that I cannot make you do what I want you to do in this moment! And everyone is probably looking at me and thinking I am a terrible mother. And everyone probably thinks you are completely feral and just need a good spanking. And maybe they are right and maybe I am wrong and maybe I am ruining you and you are going to be an awful person because I was a terrible parent! So just cry and act sorry and do what I want you to do!" In those moments, I am not being a good parent. I am parenting out of fear- fear of inadequacy, fear of impotence, fear of embarrassment. It is a mistake. When I realize that I have made that mistake, whether through my own conscience or by talking it through with a loved one, I apologize to my children and I explain that even moms make mistakes. Even after years of being taught right from wrong, and experiencing consequences, and getting spankings and groundings and revoked privileges, even moms still make terrible mistakes sometimes. Even moms lose their tempers and lash out when they are angry sometimes. Even moms need loving guidance, accountability and forgiveness when they mess up....because we are human and that is what a human needs. So, even if we cannot, as a society, stop ourselves from using an outdated method of discipline that has been proven ineffective and counterproductive, could we please stop pretending that using this outdated, ineffective, counterproductive method of discipline in any way emulates the consequences our child will be facing for their actions as adults and that by using this method of discipline, children will somehow magically grow into superior adults that no longer make mistakes? It's not much... but that would be a start.
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WHO AM I?
I am Michelle: a wannabe hippie in love with a bonafide geek. We also spawned. I spend my days with our four wild, beautiful boy children and I overshare about our life online because I am a Millennial and that is what we do.
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