The thing is... I was totally wrong about boundaries.
I always thought of boundaries as barriers you put in place to keep people from walking all over you. I always thought of them as something you use to protect yourself from others.... but really, at least for me anyway, I am learning that I need boundaries to protect myself from myself. You see, I thought boundaries were needed to say no to the things you want to say no to; to the things you found yourself agreeing to through gritted teeth because of social obligation or duty or shame. But for me, boundaries are necessary to help me say NO to the things that I want to say YES to. Because I want to do it all. I want to be able to do it all. I do not feel relieved when I put up boundaries. I feel sad, left out, unproductive and worried. When a friend or a family member tells me that they miss me, I miss them also. When they complain about not seeing or hearing from me enough, I do not roll my eyes and sigh about their lack of understanding of my busy schedule...I feel sad because when they do not see me, I do not see them either. I want to see them more. I want my kids to have their friends over every time they ask. I want to host parties and sleepovers and barbeques all the time. I want my house full of chatting people with their feet curled under them on the couch and mugs of hot coffee in their hands. I want to take my kids on outings, adventures, hikes, and events. I want them to attend that workshop and camp and music class and volunteer opportunity. I want a linen closet always full of fresh, clean towels. Floors always moped. Beds always made. Toys put away in their proper place and a home cooked dinner on the table by 6 o'clock every night. I want Rory to receive every possible treatment and therapy available to him. I want to drive two and a half hours for that twenty minute therapy session that a friend of a friend of a friend swears changed her daughter's life. I want to fly him across the country for that controversial surgery that might make walking possible. I want to dedicate four hours a day to try the routine suggested in the book that could make the words magically pour from his mouth. If you know of a big tent healing revival I should take him to, I want to do that too. I want to exercise every day and eat healthy food and get 8 hours of sleep and take photographs of my legs sticking out of bubbly baths that I post online with the caption #selfcare. I want to take that trip and read that book and watch that movie and go to that event and try that new restaurant. I want to go on dates with my husband. I want to aimlessly scroll through the internets for hours. I want to make each of my children feel individually loved and cared for. I want to help out a friend when they need me. I want to head up that group and write that article and attend that meeting and get more involved and volunteer with you. I really, really do. And I want to effortlessly balance every spinning plate in my life. I want to not feel like I am drowning when I say yes to all the things I want to do. It does not feel good to say no to these things. It does not feel good to walk away from a pile of laundry or dishes or to disappoint a friend or to let go of a really good idea or feel like I am letting down my children and my husband. I think maybe somehow the part about it usually sucking was somehow lost in the spreading of The Gospel of Setting Boundaries. Somehow, instead, this idea that you are going to feel instantly good about it because not setting boundaries only stems from being "too nice" and "too willing to accommodate others" as if you could only possibly have weak boundaries because you are TOO GOOD of a person and need to learn to "put yourself first." For me, a lack of boundaries comes from something much darker. It comes from a place of greed and selfishness- of wanting to be able to do everything I want to do, be everything to every person, be involved in every moment, and never, ever miss out on anything. I don't think I am alone in that. I took a week to miss out. I said we were grounded. I thought I was doing it for the boys. I thought they were acting entitled and short-tempered and that I was doing too much for them. It took all of 8 hours for me to realize it was me- it was all me. The boys grumbled a bit and then settled into a quiet routine at home. I fidgeted, fussed, felt restless and bored, cheated on the boundaries I had set.... more than once.... more than twice. My children were acting entitled and short-tempered because they were tired. They were overstimulated. They were not getting the things they really needed- I was keeping them busy instead. I almost gave up and I would have... if my children had not been so obviously happy. If they had not spend hours playing in the sandbox, talking to each other, talking to me, laughing, playing in the rain, taking afternoon naps and waking up sleep-eyed and snuggly, reading books, dressing up, cooking, pulling out old toys, and just....existing, slowly and contentedly existing. I thought I was busy because I HAD to be...but it turns out I was busy because I WANT to be... I have learned that I have to protect myself...but only from myself. More importantly, I have to protect my children from my well-meaning but misguided attempts at making up for all I cannot be- because I cannot be it all- with all I can do. I can shove a lot into the crevices of our lives when I put my mind to it ...but just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. So, we are going to slow down. And I get it now, I think.... I get that it is not going to feel good. It is not going to be lazy summer afternoons at the lake, coffee on the porch swing, watching the clouds go by, sunsets, bonfires and fireflies. Nope. It is going to be watching the paint dry, watching the pot boil, waiting for the bell to ring, and Sunday morning in big church. Because it is not something I am good at and it is not something I like....but I eat my veggies and I take my meds.... and now... I slow down.
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WHO AM I?
I am Michelle: a wannabe hippie in love with a bonafide geek. We also spawned. I spend my days with our four wild, beautiful boy children and I overshare about our life online because I am a Millennial and that is what we do.
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