To ensure he is not lost in a sea of Haddock children, Salem has chosen to differentiate himself from his brothers by being the absolute worst sleeper we have ever experienced. Which, if you know my children, you know is really saying something. Therefore, the days of the past week and a half have all sort of bled into each other. A constant stream of nursing and pumping and feeding and snuggling and changing and dozing off and soothing and reminding each other to wash our hands. And in between there is cleaning up and making messes and playing hard and laundry and three other little humans that apparently still expect parental attention. And doctor's appointments and dentist appointments and friends and family eager to meet the newest addition (and us eager to share him) and gatherings and grocery trips . And a lot of hungry mouths to feed multiple times of day. In some moments, it feels entirely natural- almost easy! In other moments, I am paralyzed with fear over the sheer magnitude of the situation. An infant. A preschooler with special needs. Two school-aged homeschoolers. A lot of animals. The end of Ryan's paternity leave inching closer and closer with every tick of the clock and the settling back into a normal routine. Juggling schedules. So many doctor's appointments. Multiple children in multiple therapies. Making sure everyone's physical, spiritual and emotional needs are met. Not letting anything or anyone fall through the cracks. Inevitably failing and having to repair the damage. Maybe eventually possibly having a minute to do things I like to do again? …...vacuuming. A lot of times, people, including myself, conclude after looking at a messy situation that they "wouldn't change it for the world." But....the truth is... there is a lot about our situation I would change. To make things easier. To make things more pleasant. To be able to take a deep breath. To feel the weight that lives on my shoulders lifted. But it is really a silly thing to think about at all because no one is given the power to edit their life story to their liking. You get the ugly bits along with all the beauty. You soak it in, you process it, it becomes a part of you. Maybe you let the ugliness take things over and you become bitter and brittle. Maybe you try to ignore it, pretend it isn't there, while it haunts you like a ghost. Or maybe you figure out a way to use the ugly bits, weave them into the fabric of yourself so that you are stronger because of them.... or you sit with them until your nose longer crinkles in disgust, until they become familiar and you can coexist with them or, one day, even embrace them. However you deal with the ugly, it is there. The truth is, our ugly isn't so ugly. Or maybe I have just sat with it long enough that it has become familiar. If you had shown a snapshot of my life to my 20-year-old self, she would have been horrified. Particularly by the dark circles under my eyes, the fact that I so rarely make it to the gym, how little control I have over everything, the number of people I cohabitate with that pee all over the bathroom floor. If I am being honest...these things can still manage to horrify me...but in a muffled sort of way, you know. On the other hand, I never could have accurately expressed to my 20-year-old self how stunning my life is. My 20-year-old self who had never felt deep, bone-aching love for another person, who had never experienced the sweetness of true forgiveness, who had never known the freedom of letting go of expectations. She would have seen the mess and not how lucky I am to be in it. How it will never, ever matter that I had a flabby belly or no make up on my face during any of the exquisite and horrifying moments that make up the meat of my life. How close I came to not having any of it. How it can all be taken away in an instant. How it will all disappear eventually. How the impermanence of it is what makes it so sweet. And it is so, so, so, so, so sweet. Today, right now, it is raining and I have coffee. A beautiful baby I never thought I would get to have is sleeping by an open window. One boy is at a school he loves, thriving. Two boys are spending the morning with a Papa they adore. And, if you read between the lines on any of that...you could see the ugliness behind it...but today, right now, it is all woven together beautifully.
Today, right now, life is good.
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WHO AM I?
I am Michelle: a wannabe hippie in love with a bonafide geek. We also spawned. I spend my days with our four wild, beautiful boy children and I overshare about our life online because I am a Millennial and that is what we do.
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