Dear Perfection, I am breaking up with you. I do not feel like this should come as a surprise. It never really worked. You never really fit into my messy life and I almost killed myself trying to live up to your expectations. It might still come as a shock though, because I think I acted like everything was fine for so long that maybe it never occurred to you that I wasn't content. But I have not been. In fact, I don't think I ever was. It is going to be weird. I barely remember a time in my life without you. I think we probably met in middle school, but it may have been even earlier. Our relationship was mostly casual in the beginning and we even had some good times. You encouraged me to get good grades and sometimes pointed out what the "cool kids" were wearing so that I wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb, but mostly you left me alone. In high school, you introduced me to make up and we came up with some awesome school projects together. It wasn't all bad. I wish I had been able to set some boundaries then so things would not have gotten so out of hand. I think things started to get unhealthy in college. You really started nagging me about my weight then. We spent HOURS in the gym together. You would always push me to go just a little bit harder, even when I was exhausted. I would eat less and less, hoping you would be pleased by three digit calorie counts. You nudged me onto the scale every morning but whatever number came up was never low enough for you. You also started interfering in my relationships more frequently. You would tell me I wasn't good enough for anyone. I would try to be a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, and employee, but I could always feel your disapproval, thick and heavy around me like smoke. Sometimes, when the people I loved told me that they loved me back, you would whisper that they were just being generous because who could love a mess like me? You were so loud, I sometimes could not even hear them. I don't know what made you so mean. Once I became a mother, things really took a turn for the worse. You started berating me all day, every day for all the ways I was failing the baby. You reminded me over and over that he was a gift from you, because he was perfect in every way, and I was ruining it. I was ruining him. The house was never clean enough. I was not organized enough. I could not cook. I looked frumpy. I had no talent to speak of. I did not enrich anyone's life. Oh, and I wasn't even making any money. And that is the way it has been ever since. We never work together anymore. I can't even remember what that would feel like. You dictate every minute of my life and because you expect so much from every aspect of it, I can never keep up, which just makes you yell louder. I know you aren't going to go away quietly. You have had your way with me for a really long time. But I am telling you now, this is over. It will be hard and I am prepared for a fight. You should know though, in the end... I will win. I will win every time I let my son's room stay messy because that is the way he likes it. I will win every time I choose not to read that article about all the things I should or should not be doing, thinking or saying. I will win every time I watch a movie with my family instead of slipping away to be productive. I will win every time I choose to eat meat if I want it, or carbs or sugar or whatever it is that day that will make the world implode if I consume it. I will win every time I put the vacuum away when I am done with it instead of leaving it out "just in case." I will win every time I silence the voice in my head that reminds me that my son's cerebral palsy is all my fault. I will win every time I ask for help when I need it. I will win every time I choose not to apologize when I have not done anything wrong. I will win every time I trust my own informed opinion over the opinion of someone else. I will win every time I do what I can and let go of what I can't. I will win every time I buy the nonorganic item because it is cheaper and don't feel like a terrible person. I will win every time I buy the organic item because I want to and don't feel pretentious and snooty. I will win every time I say "no" and trust that whoever I said it to will still love me. I will win every time I walk away when something is finished, instead of when it is perfect. I will win every time I choose not to use self-deprecating humor as a defense against feeling like a failure. I will win every time I give myself room to feel anger or sadness or ugly emotions that are not polite. I will win every time I walk away from a conversation and do not second-guess everything that I said. I will win every time I choose what is best for me over what is best. I will win every time I choose to trust my heart and trust that others will see my heart and forgive me of my flaws. I will miss you, Perfection. I know it sounds strange to say it when our relationship was so unhealthy, and maybe it is simply Stockholm Syndrome talking, but I know that I will miss you. I know that the world will feel silent without your constant chattering in my ear. I know that I will feel lost without you. I know that I will want to run back to the safety of your familiar arms. But I will not. I do not need you anymore. The truth is, I never did. So, it is over. But... let's be honest... I was never good enough for you anyway. Sincerely, Michelle
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
WHO AM I?
I am Michelle: a wannabe hippie in love with a bonafide geek. We also spawned. I spend my days with our four wild, beautiful boy children and I overshare about our life online because I am a Millennial and that is what we do.
|