Last year, I turned thirty. I was vaguely dreading it before it happened. Mostly because the death of your twenties is supposed to be a big deal and it felt like something I should be dreading. In the end, my birthday passed by largely unnoticed as we road-tripped to Louisiana. The boys were acting the way small children tend to act when trapped in small spaces for hours on end so there was no moment of silence for my twenties and life went on. I think if I had known what was in store for my thirtieth year, I might have been a little bit more excited about it. Until this year, I have never really known what I was interested in. I would always dread the moment of introductions when someone would ask, "So, Michelle, tell me a little about yourself? What do you like to do?" It seems like such an innocent question, but it would send my stomach plummeting because I never had any idea what to say. It only took thirty years to discover I have a ton of interests and hobbies and a deep desire to explore many more. Now, my only worry when someone asks me what I like to do is that I will talk too much and bore them to tears. So, I have discovered a lot of truths about myself this year and uncovered a lot of lies that I have believed as well. While I have not yet completely unraveled the hold the lies have on me, the discovery of their existence was a step in the right direction. Tomorrow, my thirtieth year will come to an end and I decided I would put a few of the lies I am in the process of laying to rest here....for my own benefit and maybe for someone else's as well. Lie 1. Beautiful experiences are meant for beautiful people. Since I am not a beautiful person, I should focus my energy on fixing that before I even attempt to experience the beautiful things that I want out of life. This is true even if the experiences I desire have absolutely nothing to do with my physical appearance. Once I have achieved some level of attractiveness (maybe so that I will not completely ruin any pictures I take of my experiences... because if you can't take a good picture of it, did it even happen?) then I can turn my attention on experiencing the things I yearn for in life. Lie 2. The things that I love are probably stupid. The things that I care about in life are probably a dumb way of expending my energy and I will probably never be any good at them. If I choose to continue expending energy on these things, the only thing that makes this acceptable is if I pretend that I also find them sort of dumb in spite of spending my attention and resources on them. If I do that, then I can get away with continuing to love them, but taking myself too seriously is absolutely the worst thing I could do. Especially because I will always be bad at everything I try. Lie 3. Other people are allowed to be human but I am not. If someone cracks a joke at my expense, takes advantage of me, oversteps my boundaries, makes an insensitive comment, put their feelings before mine or generally treats me carelessly or maliciously, I owe them grace and forgiveness because they are human and everyone makes mistakes. However, if I make a mistake as a human and someone else chooses to call me out for it or not forgive me, they have every right to do so because I should have known better. Lie 4. Saying no is wrong. When someone asks me for something, I should find a way to make it happen. Other people being uncomfortable or unhappy is the worst thing that I can experience so if I can find a way to keep that from happening, I will do it at any cost. If someone expresses displeasure with my actions, I am automatically wrong and should change my behavior to make the other person feel better immediately. My perspective of any given situation does not matter, only the perspective of the other party. And there are a million more!
When I see these lies in black and white, they look absurd, of course. Yet, I have lived my life within this reality for decades. Every time I recognize one of these lies dragging me along now, I am grateful that I can recognize them for what they are. Sometimes, there is nothing I can do about it, but I am getting better. I am slowly but surely unwinding their death grip on my life. I am slowly but surely replacing them with truths, breathing in deep, and basking in the freedom. I am in such a sweet spot in life and I do not take it for granted. I am in love with a wonderful human. My babies are still under my wing. Everyone I love is safe and healthy. Problems I face usually have a solution. I have a great roof over my head, good food in my belly, and I am exceptionally privileged to be living my life in a way that I choose to. There have certainly been years when I could not say these things and I know that there are years waiting in the future where pain might outweigh pleasure. But this year has been a good year. I say farewell to thirty with fondness and welcome thirty-one with open arms. Happy birthday, me!
1 Comment
McKenzie
24/7/2017 11:11:12 am
You are the best. I love you. Happy birthday dear friend.
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WHO AM I?
I am Michelle: a wannabe hippie in love with a bonafide geek. We also spawned. I spend my days with our four wild, beautiful boy children and I overshare about our life online because I am a Millennial and that is what we do.
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